Oh I've found ms fits' nemesis, and i'm jealous! she is just *too* funny!!!! A 20-year-old Young Liberals college girl with a thing for horses and impersonating Greens volunteers on election day so that she can hand out Liberal leaflets.

Miranda Airey-Branson: will you be my nemesis too?

here's what she's got to say on "my people":

Could it be possible lesbians just haven't found the right man yet?
The other day, I had a nasty run in with some lesbians. Luckily, my boyfriend and a couple of other (male) friends were around to fend them off, and as these 'womyn' were retreating I managed to get a good look at what they were wearing.

One was short and fat; the other was a bit taller, and fat. They were both poured into tight, unflattering pants. One was wearing a studded black belt that, if it were around a chihuahua's neck, would make a chihuahua look fierce. One had short hair that looked as if it had been cut with a knife and fork, the other had longer wild thick black hair that could well house a spider.

Clearly they were trying to make some sort of statement, but I ask, how on earth are they ever going to attract a man dressed like that? While I accept that some people are simply born without the natural urge to reproduce, and are naturally (or unnaturally, really) homosexual, it is true that many young girls find solace in the label of 'lesbian' while denying their true heterosexuality. The girl who got teased at school. The fat girl. The ugly girl. The girl who has had her heart broken by a cad. Girls who are disenchanted for some reason with the opposite sex, simply stop making the effort to relate to men, and lazily turn to slightly trendy 'lesbianism.'

Some lesbians are lazy. After all, it costs a lot less and takes less time and effort to let your body hair grow and buy ugly clothes from the Op shop than it does to shave, wax, wear proper clothes, have your hair done and put on makeup so you look your best. So, the lazy, disenchanted girls let themselves go and settle for second best in both appearance and sexual partner (ew!).

I'd love to give my two lesbian assailants a makeover, but I'm afraid the impetus has to come from them, and I'm not just talking appearance. It's time they made the effort to get themselves into shape and face the fact that not all men are bastards - in fact, hardly any at all.

this was my first seranade in her direction:

Oh Miranda you are exactly right! I'm a lezzo, and i am too damn LAZY to wax my legs! Actually, my girlfriend has been offering to wax them for me for the last 5 weeks, but what with working full time as a lawyer, organising and attending party meetings, cooking for and looking after her (g/f's) three kids, and maintaining some semblance of a social life, i just haven't had time. you should see my underarms - they're FERAL! I do quite like a bit of occasional smoothness, but at times like this, when life gets in the way, i have to admit that depilation is the first thing to fall off my agenda. Lazy me!

But there is one bit where your theory needs a bit more work - perhaps by talking to a few more real live lesbians. Picking up men is dead easy - it is picking up lesbians which requires huge amounts of effort. And we are talking from experience here. Even when I tell men that i'm attached, that i'm a lezzo, they still seem to keep offering up their goods. to no avail! perhaps i should redirect them to you? Lesbians on the other hand... they are HARD! And booking yourself in for an AMEX's worth of waxing and tanning won't help you honey - these girls are fickle!

i realise college is a bit of a barren wasteland when it comes to willing subjects for your research into the habits and mindsets of lesbians (oh yes, i've been there). but don't worry - give them a few years (or months) after they move out of college and they'll come out. but in the meantime, i'd try and keep as open attitude about it as possible, as you don't know which of your friends (whom you have kindly listed) are gay, straight or bi, and taking the "ew - lesbians - gross!" approach is only likely to a) make them disappear as soon as they leave college and never see you again, b) think that they *have* to grow hairy legs in order to be a proper lesbian c) drive them to depression / ideas about throwing themselves under buses.

Now that i think about it though, i've got a few more questions / comments:
1. why does she need men to chase off the lesbians for her? is she scared they might "infect" her? is she worried that she might have a recessive lesbian gene (oh you know that very horsey aunt hillary who never got married mumble mumble...)? and why does she think that these women might be interested in

her?
2. "hair cut with a knife and fork" - lovely!! this is exactly what i adore in a nemesis - a way with diction! as long as she can keep being so lyrical, it really doesn't bother me that she's a homophobic, superficial conservative git.

3. how exactly does MAB (her new affectionate appellation) make the link between observing someone wearing a studded belt, "unflattering pants" and an unusual hairdo and then assuming that this person thinks that "all men are bastards"? It does seem that she didn't get a chance to talk to these women, because she immediately sent off her boyfriend and several other males to "fend them off" - so how has she ascertained their view of all-men-in-general? And how is she to help the cause of poor benighted men and improve their standing in the eyes of lesbians if she keeps urging them to frighten lesbians away as a matter of course? Dear MAB - this kind of sloppy logic and field observation simply will not do if you wish to retain your standing as "most sought after nemesis"!!